The dos and don’ts of beach sex before summer 2021 kicks in – Screen Shot
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The dos and don’ts of beach sex before summer 2021 kicks in

Turns out doing the saucy sand dance takes a little more planning than one would think, and not simply because of getting bits of beachy grit in places where they really should never reach, although that is an important factor. Let’s crank up the logistics, shall we? Spontaneity sometimes costs comfort, but it doesn’t have to cost us our fun too. Preparing for the unexpected doesn’t mean you’re not being spontaneous by the way, it simply means having a vague idea of what you’re getting into. So, in case you’ve been dreaming of having some hot—but sandy—beach sex this summer, let me present you with the main dos and don’ts of it first.

Save yourselves from the sand

To start off with the easiest and most obvious yet largely forgotten suggestion: bring a sarong for goodness’ sake! Or a towel, a napkin from the restaurant you’ve just eloped from, the t-shirt you were wearing ten minutes ago, and lay it down on top of the sand underneath where your hoohaas join pleasurably together, and leave it there! I mean… honestly, people. It is a condom for the ground.

You don’t have to strip down

My next point actually contradicts the above statement, but hear me out: cover up. If you’re on a beach that may be susceptible to other beach intruders who are minding their own business, then just do it with your clothes on. Unzip the necessary bits, lift the skirt, slide the knickers to the side and you’re good to go. If you’re a heterosexual duo, let the lady place herself onto the man’s lap, that way, if someone uninvited comes along—stop moving—then pretend you’re getting sand out of the guy you’re banging’s eye or something.

Night time is your time to shine

Light is a major player here. Unless you’re on a private beach, I suggest that you don’t offer other peace-searching beach dwellers the opportunity of your unrequited entertainment. In fact, please don’t, it may not only jar them, but scar them, too. Plus, there’s a good chance you’ll get arrested: anti-climax or what? So just try to spontaneously plan around the context of a beach, or just pay your visits in night time conditions, alright? Cool.

The wind is not your friend

Beach plus wind equals a momentous recipe for disaster. I can firmly tell you right now that those grains of sand, or in other words, shards of what will feel like glass, shall be shooting into more places than just your eyes. My advisory caution is against playing with wind. It is not romantic, and you will look like you’ve experienced a not-so-romantic time afterwards too.

Looking to get frisky in the foam?

Absolutely not, mate. If you’re going to have sex on a beach, keep it strictly sand or fully submerged in salty aqua—even then, the following information may or may not apply depending on water type. There is no need, I repeat, no need at all, to experiment with a ruffle in the shallow waters. That approaching tide is not just water, it is sand, muck, seaweed, shells, stones, flailing jellyfish, probably bits of plastic and dead things. That approaching tide will wash all of that right up your backside in one swell swoop (and take your natural lubricant with it).

It’s not all bad

I may have put you entirely off the idea of a sexy seaside adventure, but it’s not all bad. Having sex in unusual places is great sex eight times out of ten, I’m just warning you of what ‘could’ happen, so that you can prepare for the unexpected ‘just in case’. You are most thoroughly welcome.

Spice up your next lockdown with a sex game

We all know what’s brimming, another lockdown is bound to happen. No one knows how the next will be different to the last, but it inevitably will. One thing is for certain though, we won’t be walking into this one blindfolded. Or maybe we will—why not invite the one you missed having around last time for this lockdown, and pack a real blindfold too? Have you ever played a sex game?

Sex games don’t have to be all raunchy, leathered up and Fifty Shades of Grey-esq, they can be quite gentle and fun actually. There’s a game tailored for all to enjoy, just like sex itself. So don’t be afraid or embarrassed, there is no shame when it comes to sweet or spicy lovin’. Here are a few sexy suggestions to pass the time together, and if you’re really unsure how to start, just hand the control over to your partner.

In your hands

This isn’t the sex game you would quite imagine, it’s actually a very simple one. First things first, have you got a safe word? Once you’ve picked one with your partner, just let your body be their playground. How about ordering a sex toy (or whip it out if you already have one), hand it over and let them play with it, and you. Letting another person take control like this does require a certain level of trust, but if you’re really comfortable with each other, bring out the hand ties and pin each other down. Then swap—everybody wins.

Fantasy fulfilment

Give yourselves half an hour to scribble down some of your wildest fantasies onto slips of paper and put them into a bowl, the ones that you haven’t quite opened up about yet. Obviously, you will be restricted to your house, so don’t put something like sex on a plane—you can save that for a post-lockdown treat.

Rules: pick out a fantasy slip at random, whenever you feel like it, and make it happen! Get into character with whatever you have around the house as props, and let your imaginations run wild.

The time challenge

How long can it take either of you to make the other climax? Set some rules as well as a timer for this one, they can be whatever you want, but for example: you both can only use your mouth. Now sometimes the idea of a timer can induce a certain pressure, which could freak one of you out, so make sure you do everything you can to release the pressure with a joke or too, or some vino.

Top tip: if the rule is just to use your mouth, then who’s to say you can’t slowly strip from across the room towards them before making contact? Do whatever you want babes, timer starts at the touch.

The guessing game

This is a really fun one, and one where the blindfold can make its guest appearance, alongside a few other things. Blindfold your partner and have them lie down flat and naked, on a bed, on the floor, wherever, but you’ll want access to their full body. Then, collect a few things from around your house. Have you got any feathers? Lotions or oils? Wax? Melted chocolate? Anything textured or liquid really, that you can run along their skin for them to guess what it is. This is a points game, see who can guess the most.

Warning: don’t use anything like hot wax near either of your genitals or sensitive areas, the mood will turn from saucy to sad real quick!

A classic: Strip Poker

What is a sex game article without the classic of all classics, strip poker? This time though, mix it up. Raise the stakes, invite another couple (virtually) to join in the fun. Or make a bet, whoever wins can’t wear clothes for the rest of the week, you get the gist. Get thinking!

Never have I ever

Last but not by any means least, this is where you can get really creative. It’s totally normal to lean into our trusty favourites, and sex usually flows quite organically once it starts, but have you ever been curious about how a sex position feels, and have never had the chance to try it out? Now’s the time. See how many weird and wonderful ways you can rearrange your bodies, if you run out of ideas, that’s where Google comes in. The challenge is the prize!

Have fun lovers, oh, and if you’re single—why not risk it for the biscuit? I’m sure your crush won’t want to spend another lockdown alone again! If you hate each other by the end, at least you’ve ticked a curiosity off the list—next! Good luck.