Dating

Rate My Date: The one with the Toblerone

By SCREENSHOT

Feb 23, 2023

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Name: Serena 
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 23
Occupation: Digital marketing
Dating history: Lacklustre
Looking for: Someone more mentally stable than me

We met on Hinge (predictable gen Zer, I know). We’d been chatting for around three weeks. One night, he asked if he could come round to my uni house so that we could watch a film together. Anyways, he diligently bought me a bag full of my favourite chocolate and sweets, and after a rather awkward living room cup of tea, we made it upstairs.

Sitting down on my bed, I began to start scrolling through Netflix, searching for something fun but not overtly suggestive. P.S. I Love You, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, you get the gist.

Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he started stroking my hair—mind you, at this point we hadn’t as much as held hands—and I was totally taken off guard. Then, as I’m calling out potential films, he goes “I’ve never heard of Les Mis, what’s that?” Never heard of Les Mis?! I’m not looking for Lin Manuel-Miranda, but c’mon.

Then, a flick catches his darting eye: Over the Hedge. Yes, the 2006 animated adventure film about a bunch of forest animals who play pranks on humans while scavenging food for a revengeful bear named Vincent…

I try to swallow my pride and give him the benefit of the doubt—maybe he’s just really into animated films? We watch the film, fall asleep, and by the time morning has come I’ve pretty much decided in my slumber that I have zero interest in this man. Oh, and by the way, he continued to stroke my hair the entire night despite my many attempts to move his hand.

And then, this man has the absolute nerve to leave my home before I’ve awoken—creeping down the crickety stairs like a bloody bandit—and take back the chocolate and sweets he brought for me the night before.

Why bring me a Toblerone, packet of strawbs and Diet Coke if less than 24 hours later you’re gonna pinch them back and piss off? He was definitely attractive and there was an inkling of a spark, but to be honest I’m not sure if I can get over chocolate-gate. What do you think?

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Dating

Rate My Date: The one with the Oedipus complex

By SCREENSHOT

Feb 14, 2023

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Name: Eva
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 22
Occupation: Public relations
Dating history: Haywire
Looking for: Someone to spend Sunday evenings with and share our terror for Monday blues

I matched with this one guy on Bumble in late 2021. His profile was a general, run-of-the-mill kind (some pics with his dog, his friends, his mom) but what grabbed my interest was the prompt “I bet your stepmom would swipe right on me.”

A classic gen Z mom joke, I found it funny at the time and decided to hit him up with a snarky comeback. He really had a great sense of humour and we later decided to follow each other on Instagram.

His IG was… unusual. He had way too many pictures with his mom and her friends which was sort of a red flag for me. Side note: he was one year younger than me so I did somehow think he was looking for a sugar mommy? I joked about it once and asked if he had an Oedipus complex, he just sent a couple of laughing emojis and moved on.

Then one day, he just texted saying that his mom apparently “went through” his Bumble, saw my profile and said that I was “not breedable enough” (literally no other translation for this).

I can’t help but wonder if he’s obsessed with his mom or if his mom is obsessed with him. Weird either way, but we obviously matched for a reason. Am I missing out on a bizarre but brilliant relationship?

Got a date of your own you’d like some advice on? Submit your first date story by filling out this form and we’ll help you solve all your romantic receipts.