I’ve been single for 5 years and I’m still figuring out how being queer fits into that

By Charlie Sawyer

Published Aug 27, 2023 at 09:15 AM

Reading time: 3 minutes

48465

Self-discovery is a seriously tiresome journey. If I’m being completely honest, I can’t exactly remember the last time I was completely relaxed. There are, of course, moments over the years—having a cool iced Aperol spritz in one hand and a floppy yet crisp pepperoni pizza in the other usually helps. But, for the most part, my brain lives in a perpetually panicked mode. And one of the things that seems to take up priority panic space these days is my sexuality.

I understand that this is the most cliché thing in the world to say, but I’ve always known that I wasn’t fully straight—and I put some emphasis on the word ‘fully’ because the thing I’ve found hardest throughout this entire process is figuring out who I actually am—what my identity is. Bisexual never felt right, neither did pansexual. In reality, the only label I’ve ever gravitated towards is queer—and even this one hosts its own myriad of internal confusions.

The first person I ever told that I think I might be queer was an Uber driver. I was at university at the time and I was coming home after a night out, a particularly important night out which had involved me spending the entire evening kissing a girl. Naturally, I assumed that it was a good idea to spill my guts to my Uber driver who, by the way, subsequently gave me 2 stars. Presumably, he was either bored stiff of my sad blonde girl troubles or just plain old homophobic. We’ll never know.

Either way, ever since that moment, it’s as though I’ve had all of these thoughts and feelings sitting at the back of my throat, and now they’ve all decided to spill out. I can’t stop. Considering the fact that my queerness was something I vehemently hid throughout my entire childhood, once I’ve had a drink or two, adult me doesn’t seem to have any filter whatsoever. Have you ever experienced something like that?

The problem is, with so little, what you might call ‘queer experience’, I often feel as though I have no right to speak about or involve myself in a community that I don’t feel completely a part of. To be honest, even writing this now makes me feel like a fraud. No matter how much external validation I get from friends, I can’t help but feel as though it would’ve just been so much easier to keep my mouth shut altogether.

And before you say anything, I promise this isn’t some kind of ‘woe is me, my life is so hard’ routine. I completely understand that I’m currently living in a location and society that, for the most part, is hugely accepting of LGBTQIA+ lifestyles. And moreover, I’m able to navigate the world as a straight-presenting woman which is a serious privilege. That being said, I’m not going to sit here and say that coming to terms with my sexuality has been a breeze.

I remember when I was younger, I used to have this theory about couples. Being in a couple is like being in a members-only club where the entry requirements consist of city break together in Europe and matching personalised key chains. When you have a significant other, you often don’t even appreciate the benefits. That is, of course, until your membership is revoked and you’re suddenly stuck scrolling through your WhatsApp conversations trying to look for an alternative summer holiday partner.

Now, imagine having to deal with singledom while also trying to pluck up the courage to live authentically, both in real life and on your Hinge profile. This shit is difficult. Oh, and on top of all that, throw in a crippling anxiety disorder, a full-time job, and a self-esteem that’s giving sad girl emoji energy.

What I’m really trying to say is, coming to terms with your queerness as a woman while also not having had any proper dating experience with women is a really emotionally trying feat. I’ve been single for half a decade, and during that time all of the romantic encounters I’ve had, haven’t been exactly ‘fufilling’ or ‘emotionally healthy’. I’ve pretty much made my way through a parade of fuckboys, twats, and expert ‘boyfriend experience’ wankers—yes, I am a modern day Bridget Jones, just without Renée Zellweger’s thighs.

I’ve still got a lot to figure out, and I should potentially think about taking my endless stream of consciousness off of the internet. But I think the point of this article is to hopefully reassure people that if you are going through your own journey, there’s no ‘right’ way to do it. You don’t need to fit any specific criteria to feel a certain way. And the most important thing to remember is, it’s no one’s fucking business anyway.

Keep On Reading

By J'Nae Phillips

How shitposting and lo-fi aesthetics are winning Gen Z over

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl performance was a masterclass in political shade, hidden messages, and Black History month symbolism

By Charlie Sawyer

The #MeToo movement is at risk. How the Harvey Weinstein retrial risks doing unimaginable damage 

By Abby Amoakuh

Why TikTok’s The Substance trend comparing celebrities of different ages misses the movie’s point

By Charlie Sawyer

Netflix’s new viral movie, The Life List, is prompting Gen Zers to break up with their boyfriends

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Hannah Berner under fire for microaggressions in Megan Thee Stallion interview

By Abby Amoakuh

Young girls are being lured into drug trade with promises of botox, lip fillers, and makeup products

By Abby Amoakuh

Unpacking the many controversies of Disney’s live action Snow White and its lead Rachel Zegler

By Abby Amoakuh

Anti-ageing obsessed millionaire Bryan Johnson gets backlash for comparing erections to his son’s

By Charlie Sawyer

Here’s why the internet is convinced that Trisha Paytas’ third baby will be the reincarnation of Pope Francis

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Kim Kardashian’s Paris $10 million heist: grandpa robbers tell all as trial begins

By Abby Amoakuh

Is OnlyFans star Bonnie Blue married? Everything you need to know about the adult star’s secret hubby

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Sex Education actor found guilty of 26 sex offenses, including abuse of minors

By Abby Amoakuh

The women in male fields TikTok trend is now being used by men to air their own dating grievances

By Abby Amoakuh

One Day actor Leo Woodall speaks about feeling objectified ahead of new Bridget Jones movie

By Charlie Sawyer

3 conspiracy theories trending online following Netflix’s American Murder: Gabby Petito docuseries

By Abby Amoakuh

Love Is Blind forced to classify contestants as employees entitled to minimum wage and overtime pay

By Lucy Skoulding

The US death penalty under Donald Trump: Why executions are on the rise again

By Matilda Ferraris

From Ballerina Cappuccina to Trallalero Trallalà, we unpack the darker undertones of Italian brainrot

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Could you go an entire year without spending money? Unpacking TikTok’s No Buy 2025 movement