Men don’t have to be hard all the time, women don’t have to be wet either, and conversation is key
Verbal conversation, body language, and the meaning behind them can be three different things to some, yet they’re all integral parts of a healthy relationship. As a Sexual Education and Sexual Health Coach—and now somewhat of a TikTok sensation—I have been working with my clients on differentiating these feelings and learning what we were never taught in sex education. From the importance of being able to communicate with your partner to understanding that men don’t have to be hard all the time, nor do women need to be wet all the time, let me get you in on these secrets.
Communication is key
When we are communicating with someone, we are listening to their words and watching their body language, putting meaning to it all. But somewhere along those lines, some of us get confused. How do we clear it up? It’s simple: curiosity.
Open-ended questions are my favourite—they are considered a great business practice, and can also easily be applied to relationships. ‘What did you mean when you said that?’ ‘Could you elaborate on this?’ ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite get that, could you phrase it differently or tell more of the story?’ ‘How do you feel when that happens?’ ‘Can I support you on this?’ You get the idea, don’t be afraid to ask questions, ones that can be answered in detail.
This questioning makes anyone feel safe and heard, giving you a deeper understanding of the person in front of you and a deeper insight into yourself too. Questions are in many ways, a reflection of who you are, so make sure you ask the right ones.
Asking the right questions clears up a lot of misguided conversations around the first to the fifth date timeframe, and can help to clear up a few other things too—for example, if you even want to date this person to begin with. Let’s be honest, if we all asked more questions in the early stages of dating, we wouldn’t have kissed so many frogs. Contrary to this however, it’s important to note that if you aren’t feeling it by the third date, possibly even the first, chances are you should pursue someone else.
On top of that, getting caught up in how a person looks is a total distraction (a rather pleasant one, might I add). Rather than thinking about how this person could be your person to add to your future, your adventures, goals, dreams, try to think about whether you see yourself in their life.
One of the worst things you can do is waste someone’s time both professionally and in a relationship. Or just in life in general. Conversation and meaning go together, and so do meaning and body language. This means, typically, that visual forms of communication should be employed along with curiosity.
Curiosity is a driving factor in how an interaction will go. Forcing yourself to have a conversation about something you have zero interest in will most definitely result in a one-sided, boring chat for the other. That’s why it’s important to make sure that you are fostering your own curiosity in yourself as well as in your partner. Endeavour to explore their emotions, their desires, and their past so that you can better interact with them. This includes (but is not limited to) when they shy away during certain conversations. Don’t push someone to share something they’re not ready to tell you, but don’t avoid those conversations either just because they might seem uncomfortable at first.
Communication about sex is key too
Controversial topics such as sex, body shaming and pleasure are also conversations you’ll need to go through, especially considering what society says about the way our genitalia should appear, function, or behave during sex. It’s not talked about enough. We are just left out here with porn, oddly sexual advertisements, and zero instruction on how to even say hello. Same with body language and pleasure. So is the subject of, ‘you do not have to be hard the entire time of a sexual act’ and ‘you don’t have to be wet the entire time of a sexual act’.
When looking at Anatomy and Physiology, you’ll find that it’s completely normal to go soft or dry during a sexual experience. Blood flow, meal planning, and stress levels have an impact, duh! Has not being hard or wet caused anxiety in the bedroom? Is erectile dysfunction (ED) an issue for you? What about libido mismatch? What if commercials and porn are wrong? Is it possible that there still isn’t enough education around sex? Most definitely, if you ask me.
Stress plays a major part in what affects the mind and body, which in turn means that alleviating that stress can change hormone levels. During a conversation about this, it is also good to consider both yours and your partner’s genetic history, general health, as well as hobbies and activities for outlets.
There’s no shame in educating yourself
Visual aid and explanations of the muscle groups and learning about our sexual health is what I provide for my clients. It’s not taboo, nor should it feel like it is. No more ‘beef curtain’ comments, no more ‘why can’t you stay hard for me, don’t you find me attractive?’ because these comments, said without care, don’t help anyone’s sexual experience, nor do they encourage elevating the quality of your connection. Essentially, they’re based on a lack of information and have the ability to cause out sexual organs to go numb, or become dormant in the long run, and who wants that?
So, how can you help then? When you see your partner’s body language change, talk to them. Use encouraging statements, empower them, lift them up and ask how you can better support them. If you have concerns regarding needs that are not met then ask to be heard. Tell them how to love you, and they should be grateful. Be grateful when they tell you the same.
Since everyone likes to be asked a question, ask your partner what they want, how they want it. I assure you, nothing bad can result from this specific conversation. Plus it’s sexy. Looking at the health side of things: get more blood flow to the sex organs with words—touching with words of affirmation is powerful stuff. You can also use the cup, curtain and wait method:
Keep in mind that just because you’re wet doesn’t mean you need to let someone inside of you, and just because everything is ready doesn’t necessarily mean you have to launch.
