Verbal conversation, body language, and the meaning behind them can be three different things to some, yet they’re all integral parts of a healthy relationship. As a Sexual Education and Sexual Health Coach—and now somewhat of a TikTok sensation—I have been working with my clients on differentiating these feelings and learning what we were never taught in sex education. From the importance of being able to communicate with your partner to understanding that men don’t have to be hard all the time, nor do women need to be wet all the time, let me get you in on these secrets.
When we are communicating with someone, we are listening to their words and watching their body language, putting meaning to it all. But somewhere along those lines, some of us get confused. How do we clear it up? It’s simple: curiosity.
Open-ended questions are my favourite—they are considered a great business practice, and can also easily be applied to relationships. ‘What did you mean when you said that?’ ‘Could you elaborate on this?’ ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite get that, could you phrase it differently or tell more of the story?’ ‘How do you feel when that happens?’ ‘Can I support you on this?’ You get the idea, don’t be afraid to ask questions, ones that can be answered in detail.
This questioning makes anyone feel safe and heard, giving you a deeper understanding of the person in front of you and a deeper insight into yourself too. Questions are in many ways, a reflection of who you are, so make sure you ask the right ones.
Asking the right questions clears up a lot of misguided conversations around the first to the fifth date timeframe, and can help to clear up a few other things too—for example, if you even want to date this person to begin with. Let’s be honest, if we all asked more questions in the early stages of dating, we wouldn’t have kissed so many frogs. Contrary to this however, it’s important to note that if you aren’t feeling it by the third date, possibly even the first, chances are you should pursue someone else.
On top of that, getting caught up in how a person looks is a total distraction (a rather pleasant one, might I add). Rather than thinking about how this person could be your person to add to your future, your adventures, goals, dreams, try to think about whether you see yourself in their life.
One of the worst things you can do is waste someone’s time both professionally and in a relationship. Or just in life in general. Conversation and meaning go together, and so do meaning and body language. This means, typically, that visual forms of communication should be employed along with curiosity.
Curiosity is a driving factor in how an interaction will go. Forcing yourself to have a conversation about something you have zero interest in will most definitely result in a one-sided, boring chat for the other. That’s why it’s important to make sure that you are fostering your own curiosity in yourself as well as in your partner. Endeavour to explore their emotions, their desires, and their past so that you can better interact with them. This includes (but is not limited to) when they shy away during certain conversations. Don’t push someone to share something they’re not ready to tell you, but don’t avoid those conversations either just because they might seem uncomfortable at first.
Controversial topics such as sex, body shaming and pleasure are also conversations you’ll need to go through, especially considering what society says about the way our genitalia should appear, function, or behave during sex. It’s not talked about enough. We are just left out here with porn, oddly sexual advertisements, and zero instruction on how to even say hello. Same with body language and pleasure. So is the subject of, ‘you do not have to be hard the entire time of a sexual act’ and ‘you don’t have to be wet the entire time of a sexual act’.
When looking at Anatomy and Physiology, you’ll find that it’s completely normal to go soft or dry during a sexual experience. Blood flow, meal planning, and stress levels have an impact, duh! Has not being hard or wet caused anxiety in the bedroom? Is erectile dysfunction (ED) an issue for you? What about libido mismatch? What if commercials and porn are wrong? Is it possible that there still isn’t enough education around sex? Most definitely, if you ask me.
Stress plays a major part in what affects the mind and body, which in turn means that alleviating that stress can change hormone levels. During a conversation about this, it is also good to consider both yours and your partner’s genetic history, general health, as well as hobbies and activities for outlets.
Visual aid and explanations of the muscle groups and learning about our sexual health is what I provide for my clients. It’s not taboo, nor should it feel like it is. No more ‘beef curtain’ comments, no more ‘why can’t you stay hard for me, don’t you find me attractive?’ because these comments, said without care, don’t help anyone’s sexual experience, nor do they encourage elevating the quality of your connection. Essentially, they’re based on a lack of information and have the ability to cause out sexual organs to go numb, or become dormant in the long run, and who wants that?
So, how can you help then? When you see your partner’s body language change, talk to them. Use encouraging statements, empower them, lift them up and ask how you can better support them. If you have concerns regarding needs that are not met then ask to be heard. Tell them how to love you, and they should be grateful. Be grateful when they tell you the same.
Since everyone likes to be asked a question, ask your partner what they want, how they want it. I assure you, nothing bad can result from this specific conversation. Plus it’s sexy. Looking at the health side of things: get more blood flow to the sex organs with words—touching with words of affirmation is powerful stuff. You can also use the cup, curtain and wait method:
Keep in mind that just because you’re wet doesn’t mean you need to let someone inside of you, and just because everything is ready doesn’t necessarily mean you have to launch.
Just like many other topics that revolve around sexual pleasure, squirting remains a mystified and oversexualised male fantasy, which in turn breeds misconceptions about it. Yes, squirting is real. No, there’s nothing wrong with being able to squirt—or not being able to. Isn’t it just pee? Well, it’s slightly more complicated…
That’s why—with the help of Kama, the sexual wellbeing app that places pleasure at the forefront of the conversation by focusing on the science-backed idea that pleasure is health—I went on a mission to debunk a few of the myths that surround squirting and let you in on what I learned from Kama’s Squirting 101 workshops, so that you can try your hand at it too.
A lot has been said about squirting, both good and bad, yet most women remain confused about the whole experience. On the one hand, you have porn, which promotes the false idea that only women who can squirt are sexually liberated and that squirting comes with a merit badge of some sort. On the other hand, you’ll find women who have been shamed for being able to squirt in the first place—by uneducated partners reacting with disgust, for example. Yet squirting is also a very useful practice to flush harmful bacteria out of the urethra and reduce UTIs.
But before I take you on my own squirting journey, let me first give you the details on exactly how the Kama Method works. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great, but there’s way more to it than what we were taught in sex ed or discovered on our own while browsing through porn websites aged 17. Before launching the Kama Method, Kama’s founder Chloe Macintosh had been researching intimacy and sexuality for the past 10 years, travelling the world to meet experts and practitioners across a wide range of disciplines.
“Kama is based on the science-backed idea that pleasure is health. Our body is the most advanced technology that we will ever interact with and yet we know so little about it. We often leave it to others to make decisions about our health and sexual wellbeing, which ultimately leaves us unfulfilled. Sex therapy is mostly unregulated but, at Kama, we are working with leading experts to create the new industry standard, to address insecurities, and to educate our clients about pleasure,” Macintosh explains.
“In the midst of a pandemic, global mental health epidemic, and with stress as the number one proxy killer in the world, our mental health is more important than ever. Many societies focus on managing the pain and looking to the brain to restore balance. At Kama, however, we take a different approach to wellness and wellbeing: we use breath and touch techniques to shift the focus back to our bodies and to increase sensation. Think of it like Headspace for the body.”
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Squirting for the first time is not easy—in fact, it was probably one of the hardest things I recently had to go through. Not only because the psychological fear of being seen to have wet myself was still unconsciously holding me back, but also because the whole experience (from start to finish) was more ‘enlightening’ than I could have ever imagined. First of all, I was pretty sure I knew my body and what it liked, but when focused on trying to associate the sensation of peeing with pleasure, it’s like I went from numb to over-sensitive every two seconds. Sitting in my bathtub on a Saturday morning, I truly thought that squirting was simply not meant to be in my case.
Secondly, although I first insisted on involving my partner in the process, I realised later on that him being there only added another mental block between me and my ‘so close yet so far away squirting goal’. After a few days of trying, I became aware of the fact that if I were to truly let go of tension and memories in this area, then I needed to first go through it alone.
I am still unsure of what it says about me or my relationship, but I am glad I made the decision to do so on my own, at least for now. But even after then, breathing in and exhaling while going through the steps mentioned underneath felt somewhat off—like I didn’t know how to fully relax. So, I decided to have a bath (something I never do), and in the middle of the week on top of that! I used Espom salt—the bath salts normally recommended for athletic people suffering from sore muscles but also used by people with messed up backs, like myself—and stayed in there for close to an hour.
As I emptied the bathtub, I realised that I finally felt pretty relaxed, and that now might be my time to shine. I went through the steps once again, and even used a curved vibrator as a little helper, breathing in and out as I tried a few different motions and moved my hips slightly. That’s when it happened; an intense, almost uncomfortable sensation that I had to push through in order for it to ‘become part’ of my orgasm. After that? It just felt like the most relaxing feeling ever, but strenuous at the same time.
What truly surprised me was that, unlike what I expected, I didn’t squirt a crazy amount of liquid, and on the contrary, being in the shower made it seem pretty ‘neat’. Afterwards, because the whole moment felt so intense, I fell asleep in no time. Have I tried to squirt again since then? Not yet, as I feel I need to come to grips with my first experience before trying it again.
At the beginning of my Squirting 101 (and one-on-one) session with Kama’s in-house sex educator Aaron, we looked at what squirting really is, where it comes from, and why it happens. Interestingly, Dictionary defines squirting as “a slang term for female ejaculation. In pornography, it usually features a voluminous, projectile stream from the vagina. Science says it’s largely just urine.”
And here we have two of the first myths I’d like to debunk. First of all, squirting and ejaculating are two different things. As Aaron explained to me, research has shown that both differ in their composition. Vaginal ejaculate comes from a woman’s urethral sponge erectile tissues and is released through her Skene’s glands (located close to the entrance of the vagina where the infamous g-spot is usually found). Squirt comes from the bladder and is released through a woman’s urethral opening when she is very aroused—yes, that’s the pee hole. So not so different from how it works with men…
While ejaculate tends to be slightly thick and white, squirt usually looks like watered-down urine, which brings me to my second point: squirt is not urine… but it is composed of diluted urine. Squirting is the act of releasing fluids via the urethra tube, but although it has the same journey urine has, squirting can happen even after the bladder has been emptied, as more liquid builds up in the bladder with arousal. In other words, no, squirt is not only composed of urine—and it is not dirty or smelly!
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Now that I’ve shared my personal experience with you and explained the basics of squirting, let me get straight to the hot topic: how can you squirt? Well, I’ll stop you right there for a second.
As someone who’s always shown a strong interest in sexual pleasure in general as well as my own sexual wellbeing—duh—I, for some reason, had never pursued the idea that I could squirt too. Without even realising it, I was led to assume that squirting was reserved for women who had more than a decade’s experience in sexual activities. I like to think of myself as someone sexually open-minded, but perhaps I had already shown signs of pre-built censorship when it came to squirting.
That’s why first of all, if you wish to explore pleasurable ejaculation too, you need to be ready to learn more about yourself above all, both mentally and physically. Squirting is not about turning one knob left or pushing another one hard enough; it is about becoming aware of certain blocks that you may come across, recognising them to then overcome them in order to truly ‘let go’. Sounds complex, right? Don’t worry, I’ve got some serious Kama advice for you.
Before you start claiming that you know your body like the back of your hand or that touching yourself is your number one skill, hear me out, because I initially thought the same things. But in order for you to even consider squirting, you’ll first need to identify all the anatomical parts you’ll have to play with and massage later on, and as Kama experts will further explain to you in their Squirting 101 workshops, there are quite a few places you’ll be touching.
Don’t be afraid to sit yourself down in front of a mirror and explore your own anatomy. My advice? Use this time to gently stimulate the different areas you’re identifying. There’s no shame in mixing business with pleasure, if you know what I mean.
This is where things get a little complicated. In order to squirt, you need to associate the sensation of releasing fluids from the urethra with arousal and pleasure, which is not an easy task. What this means is that—when you learn to remove the mental and physical blocks that most of us come across when allowing fluids to be released from the urethra, you’ll reach a point where you’ll learn to associate the feeling with arousal instead. “The idea here is to become familiar with these sensations and processes being combined,” explains Aaron.
To do so, I had to wait until I really needed to pee, and then made myself comfortable in my bathtub. Once I was all settled in, I started by touching myself gently (externally) to become more aroused. Then when I really needed to pee, I reiterated the same actions while actually peeing. By doing this, you’re teaching your body to connect the sensation of release with pleasure.
Once that’s done, stay where you are, and continue arousing yourself to start ‘engorging’ (meaning the erectile tissues that are in the vulva fill with blood). Get yourself aroused, and start tracking your urethra tube, which begins at the bottom of the bladder, otherwise known as the neck. It extends downward, through the muscular area of the pelvic floor. From the opening of your vagina, feel along the track of the tube until you get the sensation of peeing. When you do feel like peeing while feeling aroused, push down with your pelvic floor—but don’t push hard while holding your breath, remember to focus on your breathing.
Then focus on letting yourself release fluids by simply pushing down and holding that push while you inhale and exhale. Don’t hesitate to repeat the whole exercise as many times as you need to—I know I certainly gave it a fair amount of tries!
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Of course, this is only half of the whole process you’ll need to go through in order to squirt; as Kama states, “practice makes pleasure.” From finding your G-pad to perfecting the Kama Push method, Kama’s Squirting 101 workshops will further prepare you for the physical and emotional rollercoaster that the experience of squirting will take you on.
But understand that this experience won’t happen without obstacles getting in the way. Many women report a strong feeling of discomfort sometimes connected to repeated UTIs and yeast infections. Others have shared they felt strong (and surprising) emotions such as shame, anger, and even sadness while and after squirting. These can all be explained by the fact that this area holds tension and memories too, just like the rest of your body does, which is why massaging it for the first few times can be a draining experience for most women.
That’s where Kama comes in to teach you how to turn pain and discomfort into pleasure by reawakening areas of your body that had become numb. Practising squirting becomes all the more important as it helps you release tension and pain in those areas. As your body and mind get used to this specific kind of release, you’ll be able to get to the near-mythical part of squirting: the intense pleasure it will make you feel.
If you do find yourself holding back or holding onto previous misconceptions about squirting, then you probably won’t be relaxed enough to squirt. Sexual pleasure is all about enjoyment, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. My last piece of advice? Whether you squirt or not, continue to explore your body without any expectations—it can only do you some good, trust me.