5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

By Charlie Sawyer

Published Dec 22, 2022 at 09:00 AM

Reading time: 2 minutes

Christmas is a time for laughter, family, food, and incredibly uncomfortable, politically-charged disagreements over a box of Celebrations. So, in the spirit of all things awkward and merry, we thought of compiling a list of the absolute filthiest and funniest baubles you can buy to piss off your conservative parents this festival season.

1. Jingle balls

You know when you step back to admire your freshly-trimmed Christmas tree and you’re suddenly overcome with this inner nagging feeling as though something’s missing? I think I have your answer. Introducing ‘Jingle balls’, a gen Z liberal’s best friend when pursuing an awkward Christmas tree addition. As Etsy maker Katie described herself, this bauble is “the perfect way to say Merry Christmas, a ball bag finished with a bow.” Now, that is clever marketing.

I think if you bring any kind of genitalia-inspired bauble into your home, it’s an almost guaranteed conversation starter.

5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

2. F*ck the Tories

Sometimes, you can’t beat the classics. If someone in your family happens to be either a fully-fledged member of the Conservative party or perhaps they’re simply a BoJo sympathiser, hanging this rather in-your-face bauble on the tree should get some eyebrows twitching.

Many young people dread Christmas festivities solely due to the often significant generational differences when it comes to political ideologies. Trying to enjoy a roast potato or honey-glazed parsnip while simultaneously dodging problematic statements from your uncle sitting opposite to you is no easy feat. So, make sure you prioritise finding little pockets of joy among all the chaos this Christmas.

5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

Rainbow pride

What’s the saying—a rainbow a day keeps the conservatives away? I’m pretty positive that every self-respecting gen Zer should own at least one rainbow-themed Christmas decoration. Ranging from your classic bauble to a quintessential RuPaul’s Drag Race-themed ornament, there are countless options to choose from.

One of my personal favourites comes from the new range of non-binary baubles. If there’s one thing that really grinds the gears of conservative parents worldwide, it’s pronouns—particularly, they/them. Unlucky for the old-fashioned however, Etsy also stocks a multitude of LGBTQIA+ friendly items, including some very whole pronoun inclusive baubles.

5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

4. Non-traditional animals

While this may seem as a far tamer avenue, I can assure you that a non-traditional animal bauble still has the potential to dismantle any conservatives’ Christmas jive. First off, subverting tradition is their worst nightmare, so planting a unicorn, sausage dog or even a Shrek doll on the tree might be a lot more radical than you think.

Oh, and if you can find a unicorn with a rainbow coloured mane, you’ve practically won Christmas.

5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

5. The enemy

If all else fails, there’s one bauble that is sure to pull the Grinch out of even the most light-hearted staunch conservative: a Jeremy Corbyn-themed ornament. Some of you might be surprised to know that the internet is bursting at the seams with Corbyn-themed merch. There’s candles, magnets, mugs—you name it, it’s out there.

Imagine boldly approaching the tree, eyes watching you like a hawk, as you casually put your hand into your tote bag—naturally—and pull out a wispy grey-haired, fluffy palm-sized former Labour leader. The house would vibrate with pure fury and prosecco.

5 Christmas baubles that are sure to piss off your conservative parents

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