Christmas is a time for laughter, family, food, and incredibly uncomfortable, politically-charged disagreements over a box of Celebrations. So, in the spirit of all things awkward and merry, we thought of compiling a list of the absolute filthiest and funniest baubles you can buy to piss off your conservative parents this festival season.
You know when you step back to admire your freshly-trimmed Christmas tree and you’re suddenly overcome with this inner nagging feeling as though something’s missing? I think I have your answer. Introducing ‘Jingle balls’, a gen Z liberal’s best friend when pursuing an awkward Christmas tree addition. As Etsy maker Katie described herself, this bauble is “the perfect way to say Merry Christmas, a ball bag finished with a bow.” Now, that is clever marketing.
I think if you bring any kind of genitalia-inspired bauble into your home, it’s an almost guaranteed conversation starter.
Sometimes, you can’t beat the classics. If someone in your family happens to be either a fully-fledged member of the Conservative party or perhaps they’re simply a BoJo sympathiser, hanging this rather in-your-face bauble on the tree should get some eyebrows twitching.
Many young people dread Christmas festivities solely due to the often significant generational differences when it comes to political ideologies. Trying to enjoy a roast potato or honey-glazed parsnip while simultaneously dodging problematic statements from your uncle sitting opposite to you is no easy feat. So, make sure you prioritise finding little pockets of joy among all the chaos this Christmas.
What’s the saying—a rainbow a day keeps the conservatives away? I’m pretty positive that every self-respecting gen Zer should own at least one rainbow-themed Christmas decoration. Ranging from your classic bauble to a quintessential RuPaul’s Drag Race-themed ornament, there are countless options to choose from.
One of my personal favourites comes from the new range of non-binary baubles. If there’s one thing that really grinds the gears of conservative parents worldwide, it’s pronouns—particularly, they/them. Unlucky for the old-fashioned however, Etsy also stocks a multitude of LGBTQIA+ friendly items, including some very whole pronoun inclusive baubles.
While this may seem as a far tamer avenue, I can assure you that a non-traditional animal bauble still has the potential to dismantle any conservatives’ Christmas jive. First off, subverting tradition is their worst nightmare, so planting a unicorn, sausage dog or even a Shrek doll on the tree might be a lot more radical than you think.
Oh, and if you can find a unicorn with a rainbow coloured mane, you’ve practically won Christmas.
If all else fails, there’s one bauble that is sure to pull the Grinch out of even the most light-hearted staunch conservative: a Jeremy Corbyn-themed ornament. Some of you might be surprised to know that the internet is bursting at the seams with Corbyn-themed merch. There’s candles, magnets, mugs—you name it, it’s out there.
Imagine boldly approaching the tree, eyes watching you like a hawk, as you casually put your hand into your tote bag—naturally—and pull out a wispy grey-haired, fluffy palm-sized former Labour leader. The house would vibrate with pure fury and prosecco.
It’s that time of year again—by now, you may be well in tune with the long lost Christmas songs of last year. You may have even dusted out the tinsel and put the tree up in its assertive homely position. Or, you may have reverted to hermit status and have chosen to drown out the festive spirit this year.
Either way, Christmas is around the corner and it’s always helpful to have one or two DIY hacks up your sleeve. In this instance, we’re tackling the humble Christmas cracker. Stay tuned for all things construction and curation.
First off, keep a hold of all the toilet roll tubes that you would have otherwise chucked in the bin, you’ll need a few of those! It doesn’t matter how many you’ve been hoarding, so long as you have enough to cater for all of your impending dinner guests.
Apart from these, you’ll also need wrapping paper (you can use any paper; newspaper, book pages, painted paper, etc.), sticky tape, cracker snaps (not necessary unless you want the bang), scissors, a string or ribbon, and a few small exciting things to place inside your crackers.
I like to make my Christmas crackers more like a present as opposed to a cheap throwaway accessory. Check the shelves of some sustainable stores near you, maybe some little wooden teaspoons? They’re always useful, and they’re cheap. Maybe some lipstick or lip balm. What about eye shadow? Mascara? Think of little things that will be useful to whoever will open the crackers. A roll of film? Maybe even a nice pen? A ball of nutmeg or a sachet of mixed spice? You get the gist.
First off, get your toilet roll tube and place it in the middle of the paper you’d like to wrap your cracker in. Hold it in place with some sticky tape. If you’re using cracker snaps, line one of them up from one end of the paper, through the tube, and out to the other side of the paper.
Roll the paper around the tube and secure it with a few bits of tape so that the tube doesn’t wiggle around. You should have a longer tube of paper in a roll now, open on either end, with the tube somewhere in the middle.
Find the end on one side of the tube, and squish the paper at the end of it down. You can give it a light twist, or shape it however you want so that the cracker has a nice ‘neck’ to it. Think bow tie. Then, tie a piece of your string or ribbon around the neck so that it holds in place, cut off the straggly bits of the knot or make a bow with the string.
You should have one end of the cracker open still, so that you can drop your little presents into the cracker. Then do just that, drop them in! Seal the end the same way you did on the other side, with a nice neck and all. Et voilà!
You have just made your own Christmas cracker. Pat yourself on the back, pour yourself a mug of Baileys and congratulate yourself on participating in a worthwhile sustainable festive season.