‘There’s a market for everything’ they say, and when it comes to sex-related items, more specifically, the internet has proved on many occasions to be a perfect place to start. With even its own best sellers recommendation list on Amazon, it’s clear that buying furniture just for the purpose of banging on it has become standard for many. But what’s so special about this shame-free corner of the internet where sexual experimenters are sure to find their happiness? And is buying sex furniture actually worth it? I did a little bit of digging for you, so you can be sure you’ll be spending your money on items you truly need.
Although the term ‘sex furniture’ is as self-explanatory as it gets, it also raises the question of why would some people need sex furniture when, let’s be honest, anyone can have sex anywhere they please—except in public, as you might end up having to pay a hefty fine for this.
Let me state the obvious one last time before we get into the thick of it: yes, you can have sex on a regular bed, a chair or even your living room’s sofa, but that doesn’t make them sex furniture. Sex furniture, also known as erotic furniture, is any form of furniture that is designed to act as an aid to sexual activity. Keeping that in mind, beds and sofas are not strictly erotic furniture, as their primary use is not erotic. Specifically designed furniture for sexual purposes, however, are more what we’re talking about here.
According to Wikipedia, these can include:
– Devices for spanking and flagellation such as the Berkley Horse, which dates from 1828
– Sex swings and fisting slings
– Sex gliders
– Devices for using gravity to aid in lovemaking without the use of complicated slings
– Various types of angled foam wedges or specially designed sex pillows that support various sex positions. Liberator Shapes are an example, as are the ergonomically-based Lovebumpers.
– Bondage equipment such as stocks and pillories
– Smother boxes and other queening stools used for facesitting
– The Love Chair, a curious chair made of curved tubular steel, articulated in several ways and designed to facilitate otherwise impossible sexual acts. This device was advertised in men’s magazines in the mid-1970s, and is seen in at least one of Nina Hartley’s Guide to videos, but it is no longer commercially available.
– Sawhorses, which are shaped much like the version used for carpentry, but have a sharpened edge and are primarily sat on to achieve a feeling similar to a crotch rope in bondage.
This might surprise some of you, while others might find it obvious, but sex furniture isn’t a new concept. The British King Edward VII, who was heavily overweight, used a specially constructed “love seat” when he visited the famous brothel Le Chabanais in Paris. The piece still exists and a replica was exhibited at the Musée de l’Erotisme in Pigalle, the capital’s red light district, until its closure in 2016.
More examples of sex furniture can be found throughout history, and the same can be said about sex toys prior to the fairly recent rise of the teledildonics industry, also known as connected sexual pleasure products. Long story short, humans were just as horny back then than they are today, and it’s oddly reassuring to know that for a fact.
Contemporary sex furniture can be enjoyed by lovers of all genders, relationship styles, sexual orientations, sizes, and abilities. According to Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of Early to Bed, who spoke to Healthline on the matter, sex furniture can basically be broken into 2 main categories: positioning tools and bondage props.
“Some of the furniture is designed to help lift your hips, give your neck a break, or make certain positions easier on folks of different sizes or abilities,” explained Deysach. “This group of furniture is designed to support and comfort naked, moving bodies.”
Then there’s furniture that “is made with a BDSM aesthetics in mind (think leather, wood, etc),” adds Deysach. “[It’s] designed to tie someone down, bend them, or other kinky activities.”
If you’re new to all of this, then you might want to start your initiation with simple items such as wedge and half-moon pillows. With different angles designed to help givers hit a receiver’s G-spot or prostate every time, these magic pillows come in all forms and shapes depending on your needs. Depending on your budget, you can either splurge on this Adam & Eve wedge pillow, which was recommended by VICE, for $125 or settle for a cheaper alternative like this $12.98 inflatable half-moon pillow from Amazon.
If you’re more committed to the experience—and are lucky enough to have space in your flat for something slightly bigger—you might find what you’re looking for in ramps and customisable sofas. You guessed it, each of these resembles a slightly different piece of living room furniture, but all are designed to make your sex hotter than ever.
Enters The Nugget: foam blocks covered in microsuede fabric that together form a couch, but separately, can be used for fort-building, jumping, or general toddler mayhem. With a devoted fandom that spread by word of mouth, this kids sofa quickly became the hit of the pandemic for parents. The only problem is that its manufacturer simply can’t keep it in stock due to the demand of thousands of horny mums around the world. Resellers are gouging on eBay and Facebook Marketplace, and the company has resorted to limited drops of new stock, even instituting a lottery system for the chance to buy. Nugget couches are the Supreme of adults.
If you’re looking for just that but can’t be bothered logging onto Nugget’s website at 4 a.m. to (hopefully) cop the company’s latest drop, just go for this knock-off option, the Foamnasium Blocksy Mini. It’s also intended for children, but just pretend I never mentioned it and you’ll be fine.
Now, if you feel like all of the items mentioned above are child’s play—pun not intended—you’re probably ready for queening stools. Also known as sex stools, queening stools are basically chairs with a hole in the bottom where a face, penis, dildo, or hand can go. Think of it as a step stool with a toilet seat-esque top. Some are designed just for face sitting while others can be used for face sitting, 69-ing, rider-on-top, reverse rider, and more. A stool with elastic straps is also a great option for people who don’t have the strength to hold their bodies up while on top, as the straps do the bouncing for you.
Lovehoney’s DOMINIX Deluxe Faux Leather Sex Position Enhancer Chair is pretty enough to be kept in your living room when guests are around. How kinky is that?
Although I’ve steered clear of other sex furniture such as BDSM beds, sex machines and bondage boards (for now), I can’t recommend enough for you to go on your own little online search depending on which furniture makes the most sense for your sexual tastes. Sex furniture can be a worthy addition to any pleasure seeker’s home, so why not treat yourself and whoever’s lucky enough to fool around with you?
US Senator Bernie Sanders probably didn’t think much of Rule 34 before deciding on his wardrobe for President Joe Biden’s inauguration ceremony last week. He pulled off his iconic brown parka with a pair of Vermont mittens and a surgical mask—a cosy outfit choice against the cold January winds. He then sat in his designated, socially-distanced chair, completely oblivious to the fact that the move would later inspire adult entertainer Elle Hell to spearhead an entire PornHub genre with a video titled I am once again asking you to cum.
“Too many hard-working Americans are working two, three jobs just to make ends meet,” Hell starts, entering the frame donned in her version of the Bernie outfit with the subtle addition of a manilla envelope. “I think Americans should be able to work one job to take care of things,” she continues with a brief pause, giving viewers enough time to digest the innuendo. The five-minute “instructional video” takes a quick 360 after Hell rids herself of the manilla and everything vanilla. The mittens, however, miraculously stay on throughout the video.
In an interview with Vice, Hell admits to being a longtime fan of the Senator and hoped to see him in the 2016 and 2020 primaries and presidential races. She further states, “Porn doesn’t always have to be sexy, penetration, or even masturbation. Sometimes it’s silly and gives you a laugh. At the end of the day, whether someone laughed, came, or both, I am happy that it was enjoyed.”
This surprisingly isn’t the first porn parody feature of Bernie Sanders on the internet. Weekend at Bernie Sanders’ was published way back in 2016, featuring the Senator renting out a room to a widow during the annual maple syrup convention in Burlington—we’re digging the specifics too. It was followed up with The Day I Really Felt The Bern in 2019, a response to the controversial rape fantasy essay authored by the Senator himself. These eroticas however, second an orgy parody made by the adult site Cam Soda featuring Sanders alongside Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton and Megan Kelly.
Bernie Sanders has always managed to stay on the internet limelight with tons of meme entries dedicated to his name. The most recent inauguration meme, however, has a timeline of its own apart from the porn parody.
Hours after the Senator sported his iconic mittens, Twitter nerds tracked down the source—Jen Ellis, a teacher from Vermont—to get their hands on a pair themselves. Official Bernie Sanders merchandise, featuring the meme on a sweatshirt, sold out hours after its release and has helped raise a whopping $1.8 million for charity. People can also order cookies, candles, bobbleheads and valentine’s day cards exclusively dedicated to the meme. The trend doesn’t stop there—people around the globe are now getting it tattooed on themselves. All of this was triggered by the initial photoshopping of the Senator’s cutout into literally every corner of the world—and we’ve rounded up some of the best ones (so far):