How to dirty talk, inside and outside of the bedroom

By Harriet Piercy

Published Apr 14, 2021 at 10:00 AM

Reading time: 3 minutes

Dirty talk is that thing we all want to be able to do in the right way but are scared of trying in case we end up sounding a little bit ridiculous. Don’t worry, I completely get it. While I am an avid believer in the ‘do what you want’ mentality without stopping from fear of rejection, if they’re into you, wonderful, you can test and trial talking dirty to your heart’s content. And if they’re not? Well, they’re just not worth the time my dear, as much as you’d like to convince yourself otherwise. Whether you’re curious, looking for improvement or anxious for a pep talk, I’ve got you covered. Here’s everything you need to know about dirty talk.

Chill out

First, don’t fret over the exact words to say to your partner. I can guarantee that more often than not, what you thought you’d wanted to say and how you wanted to say it will be portrayed in an entirely different manner. Relax, babes. Dirty talking is not a science, there is no right or wrong and I’m telling you right now that the touch-free buildup before the bedroom is worth trying out. Ease yourself into it, don’t go full-blown ‘get in my pants’ without a little testing of waters. You also don’t have to start with face-to-face conversation, start with sending a little ‘spicier than usual’ text.

Keep it ‘you’

Release the pressure on making the whole ordeal ‘creative’, dirty talk should be seen as the saucier extension of how you already talk. The things you say should feel natural and flow through the moments, there’s nothing like the pang of overthinking to kill the mood.

Mystery is always sexy

Dirty talk is all about sensualising the idea of sex. It doesn’t have to be a sex story either, you don’t need to give your partner raunchy details. It can honestly be as simple as running a finger down their torso, looking up and telling them in the eye that you love the feel of their skin. I’ll repeat: it’s all about sensualising the idea of sex.

The role of voice

Okay, this is an interesting one. First of all, don’t tell me you’ve never tried to turn your voice down an octave or practiced your half open half shut lingerie model eyes in the mirror—if you really haven’t, I suggest you do, it’s hilarious. Maybe that’s just me. But either way, all I’m saying is that you don’t want to go grinch on them, keep it to ‘an extension of you’, alright? Maybe keep your dirty talk in a whisper to start, slide up behind them and nibble (gently) on their ear while breathing out, and whisper something like ‘hi’, then walk away. Simple.

Dirty talk doesn't have to be filthy talk

To raise sexual tension doesn’t mean you have to fulfil a 90s pornographic persona. You don’t need to mention the words ‘cock’ or ‘pussy’ at all in fact. But you do you, context is key. Although this article is about pre-sex action, I’m not going to ignore the talk during sex conversations, because I’m telling you to communicate the whole way through. It’s hot. It’s reassuring. Tell them how good it feels when they do ‘that thing’. But back to raising the tension, if you’re turned on (at any given moment, especially in a public place) tell them. Keep it chill, casual, pass the comment ‘I’m kind of horny right now’ like it’s salt and pepper.

Tell them what to do

I understand that not everybody is assertive or dominant in the bedroom, but if you like how something feels, just tell them, you don’t have to use words, a moan could also be considered as a ‘keep doing that’ instruction—and if you’re not actually having sex yet but want to cut to the chase and do it, tell them ‘meet me in that [place] in five.’ If on the other hand, you are a little on the dominant side (or want to be) don’t be afraid to demand their attention towards whatever area of your body to please.

Role play and dirty talk

This is as fun as it sounds. Role play or sex games might be just the trick to get you talking dirty, get yourself online shopping for costumes and get into character. This can really push the boundaries, try things you would be afraid to do otherwise, not to mention you’ll be either discovering or fulfilling your sexual fantasies, while relieving the pressure to ‘take the talking seriously’ simultaneously. Try it out, what have you really got to lose? After all, it’s the character talking… not you. Whatever the outcome, rest assured, you’ll know your partner much better after.

Be aware of your audience

Last but by no means least, being aware of who you’re chirpsing is surprisingly one of the most forgotten points to consider when you’re talking all sexy. What worked with one partner, may not work with another. Imagine talking dirty as climbing up a totem pole inch by inch, you can’t speed up a pole, but I promise, you can slide down at momentous speeds. So don’t launch yourself into dirty talk thinking of only your kinks, first, figure out who you’re talking to.

Sexual fantasies aren’t always ‘politically correct’, keep in mind that some words are horrendously offensive in day-to-day life but really hot in bed, for example, nobody wants to be called a ‘dirty little  slut’ in any normal situation. Read the room, but on another note for those of you who might still be anxious to try talking dirty right away—why not start off with someone else doing the talking? I’m serious, pull a sex story up on your phone infront of your partner and just pretend you ‘stumbled upon it’, then start reading out loud. You may both awkwardly laugh, but you’ll both definitely be imagining sex, which is precisely the point.

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