I, a 22-year-old woman, have been seeing this guy (male and 22 also), for the past two months. Our sexual chemistry was instantly great and that was definitely one of the main reasons I became so attracted to him so quickly. I didn’t instantly feel an emotional connection but that wasn’t really an issue to begin with because I was actually able to enjoy myself in bed without being overly nervous or worried about keeping him interested—I tend to get anxious around people I have strong feelings for. In all honesty, I was just really enjoying the sex and so was happy to continue seeing him.
After about a week and a half of us talking, he confessed to me that he was keen for us to become exclusive. This threw me off because I just hadn’t felt an emotional connection with him. I didn’t find him funny, we didn’t have deep conversations, and also, he never really went out of his way to take me out on proper dates. The few times that we went out, we just grabbed dinner, split the bill and then immediately headed to my place to hook up.
I was truthfully content with the way things were going as I wasn’t expecting anything more serious to come out of it. I was more than happy to split the bill and continue having casual sex. But it feels as though everything has changed overnight. I agreed, hesitantly, to become exclusive, as I wasn’t ready to throw the whole thing away, but I did ask that we cool things off a bit if we were going to be seeing just each other.
Ever since we had the whole “exclusive” conversation, he’s been practically vomiting out overly cheesy lines about how “happy I make [him]” and how I’m his “world.” I won’t lie, it has freaked me out quite a bit, particularly as we’ve only known each other for a month. I mean, could he be “love bombing” me? Having said this, I am a fairly fun and funny individual to be around so I also can understand why he’d want to be with me (not bragging or anything).
The thing is, the longer it’s gone on, the more I’m convinced that I’m not going to be able to develop an emotional connection with him. I have voiced to him that one of the reasons I’m having a tough time with the emotional side of things is because all we do is have sex and eat. We never do any activities and he doesn’t particularly banter or initiate deep meaningful conversations.
To his credit, he did begin putting in more effort to be funny and took time to talk about different things and ask me more questions, which I appreciate.
So, we’re now two months in and we are still just going out to get food, splitting every meal, and then going either to his place or mine (75 per cent of the time it’s my place) and hooking up again. Don’t get me wrong… I love the sex, it’s amazing, but I’ve just started to feel like I’m in a friends-with-benefits type of situation. He never pays for my dinner, he never gets me flowers or gifts, and we always do the same exact thing. There is zero effort being put into planning our dates and making them fun.
I broached the whole romance thing with him and he basically told me that he’s never been in a real relationship and that he never saw his parents have a romantic relationship, but then he went on to contradict himself in the same sentence by also noting how he considered buying me flowers many times before but never pulled the trigger. I have a hard time accepting excuses and would rather want to hear a plan and a solution to solve the issue that’s bothering me.
All this to say, I ended it that night. But then, I realised that I was missing his presence, so I reached out again. He came over the following day with a gift—a very sweet and thoughtful gift, but I’m sure everyone reading this understands my frustration in receiving this immediately after the argument. In a way, it felt disingenuous.
This all went down a few days ago. Today he texted me asking to come over. He finishes work at 7 pm, will head to the gym, and then plans to get to mine for 10 pm. I asked if I could see him tomorrow instead, as he doesn’t have work and so we’ll be able to spend more quality time together, but he just said that he’s happy with being with me and sleeps comfortably around me. This is sweet, however, I don’t understand how long it’s going to take for him to understand that I want real dates. I want real, natural romance—not him coming to my house at night and sleeping in my bed. Anyways, I plan on breaking up with him properly soon.
Additional information: His excuse for not planning anything is that he works 12-hour days (roughly five days a week) and so when he gets off at 7 pm, he doesn’t want to do activities so he doesn’t, and I quote, “die from exhaustion.” I sympathise with his situation, however, he has the energy to have a gym session and come over at 10 pm? I respect the gym dedication, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not always consistent and oftentime skips it. Anyway, from a five minute Google search, I was able to compile 18 date ideas that don’t take physical or mental exhaustion and work easily after his work finishes. So what’s his excuse now, huh?
My dilemma is that he is the first person that handles my personality really well and speaks to me in a way that makes me feel respected and cared for, and he’s very kind and sweet to me. He doesn’t gaslight me or argue with me—which, as silly as it sounds, is very hard to find in men in their twenties.
On the other hand, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I need to ask someone for romance when I am being told that I’m amazing and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me, as well as also constantly asking me if I’m ready to be in a relationship with him. I have no doubt that he does mean the things he says, but I strongly believe his love language does not mesh well with mine.
Should I keep trying to communicate what I want, or should I end it? I’m seeking advice because I think he’s a wonderful person, otherwise, I would’ve given up a long time ago.
Occupation: Masters student
Dating history: Lots of frogs
Looking for: Someone with tattoos and a membership to the Tate Modern
So, after having finally escaped from the complete train-wreck that is university romance, I entered my 21st year looking to have fun and meet people who were more on my level, and not solely interested in the student union dance floor.
I matched with a short king on Hinge and after briefly exchanging niceties, we set a date to visit the local Wetherspoons—romantic, I know. Anyways, the conversation was good—£4 gin and tonics to thank for that—and after knocking knees under the table for an hour or so, we decided to try out a new bar across the road.
We walked straight into a flamboyant yet intimate Drag performance. At first glance we telepathically agreed that potentially this wasn’t the most ideal ‘getting to know each other’ setting but before we had a chance to slip out the door we were acknowledged by the drag queen on stage, welcomed and set at the only free table. Naturally, the last seats left were placed directly in front of centre stage. You can see where this is going…
Despite not meaning to fall upon a live performance, we were immediately gripped. A talent show began and pretty soon we were having the best time, laughing together and screaming in admiration for the incredible performers.
Then came the comedy round—now, this is where things became truly memorable. Naturally, when it was announced that they’d be plucking a drag virgin out of the crowd to dance with onstage, I knew that my date was in trouble. And I was right.
They scooped him up, publicly acknowledging the fact that as a straight white man it was his duty and responsibility to play along—I mean, c’mon, it was the least he could do. And, to give him credit, he took it in his stride and smiled as the queens squeezed his muscles, licked his ear, and finally stripped his t-shirt off. To be completely honest, I think he quite liked it.
We walked home together, laughing and reminiscing on the events of the evening. He didn’t seem to be too scarred by the experience and, for me, it was a serious green flag to see him take it in his stride. We’ve been messaging a little bit since and I’m really keen for another date but I wanted to check what the internet’s thoughts were. Is this guy too good to be true?
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