Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-laa, oh… okay Pollution is very real—yes, with a capital P for emphasis—so when are we going to stop singing about it, and actually start doing something about it? Because penis havers, and this concerns men in power too, your size is at stake. And penis enjoyers, you’re in for trouble too! Full transparency here, whatever your penis size—you’re perfect, we’re an all inclusive bunch over here—moving on from that, let’s get to exactly why pollutants are shrinking pricks.

Scientist and renowned environmental and reproductive epidemiologist Doctor Shanna Swan has released a new book titled Count Down that tells us of what, she writes, will be an “existential crisis”: genitals are becoming malformed because of pollution. Fertility rates are plummeting as a phthalates, which is a chemical used when manufacturing plastics, impacts our hormone producing endocrine system, and now, a growing number of babies are being born with tiny peepees, lower sperm counts and erectile dysfunction.

Doctor Swan’s book examines “how our modern world is threatening sperm counts, altering male and female reproductive development, and imperilling the future of the human race.” In 2017, she co-authored a study that found sperm counts had rapidly decreased within western societies, by 53 per cent in fact. That’s more than half of the population, if 53 per cent doesn’t sound large enough!

The culprit to these drastic changes? Chemicals. Swan writes in her book that “Chemicals in our environment and unhealthy lifestyle practices in our modern world are disrupting our hormonal balance, causing various degrees of reproductive havoc,” continuing that “In some parts of the world, the average twenty something woman today is less fertile than her grandmother was at 35.” Swan also adds that a man may only have half the sperm count of his grandfather.

“The current state of reproductive affairs can’t continue much longer without threatening human survival,” she writes. “Of five possible criteria for what makes a species endangered, only one needs to be met: the current state of affairs for humans meets at least three.” Swan also believes that the rapidly decreasing fertility rate means that most men will be unable to produce viable sperm by as early as 2045.

That’s obviously the worst case scenario, and before you brush it off as ‘just the worst case scenario’, can you repeat after me: That is a possible scenario, unless we curveball it. I will get into how exactly we can do that later.

Another large enormous gigantic problem is that sex itself is becoming less enjoyable (not due to the fact that penises are smaller) but because we just aren’t as horny as humans used to be. I knew I was born in the wrong century, but pushing that aside, women’s sexual satisfaction as well as their desire is decreasing at a similar rate to penis size. Researchers in China found that women with higher levels of bisphenol A, commonly known as BPA (and you know you’ve previously read those letters on some packaging and ignored it), in their blood were more likely to have sexual issues such as lower libido.

Swan’s research states that a baby’s exposure to phthalates, found in plastics and toys and BPA products, especially at the end of the first trimester in the womb, leads to a shortened anogenital distance (AGD). She told The Intercept that “Nobody is going to like that term, so you could use taint or gooch instead.” Basically, whatever term you use, the section of our body that she is referring to is the distance between the anus and the beginning of the genitals. Scientists have long recognised the importance of this patch of body for a long time too.

Swan continued to tell The Intercept that “I have a paper from 1912 that looks at AGD and showed that they were nearly 100 per cent longer in males than in females. Our work has shown that chemicals, including the diethylhexyl phthalate, shorten the AGD in males.”

So, how do we avoid this astronomical problem? If you haven’t grasped just how huge this is, think along the lines of no sex equals no babies equals no humans equals… a possible future of factory-made humans, possibly… Just tossing that out there for fun times. But anyway, astronomical is the correct word to use. According to Swan’s research, BPA, phthalates as we said before, parabens and atrazine are the main culprits behind the issue. Chemicals like these are literally everywhere. Have a look around the room you’re in right now, see? They are commonly found in plastics, herbicides, toothpaste, beauty products, ATM receipts, fabrics—you name it, they’re in there.

It may be hard to necessarily avoid them completely too, which is precisely how to halt this pressing problem. However, transparent labelling from companies should be enforced. Swan suggests that using less of these plastic products and eating more organic produce in our everyday lives will prevent the impending doomsday, and so will eating home-cooked meals, even if we’re all excited to hit restaurants up again when lockdowns lift. This in turn, will curb the immense destruction of our planet, which the majority of us successfully pretend is not happening—maybe the threat to your shlong size will entice your positive actions a little more. Toss the plastic, and mind the bollocks, the fate of humanity relies on them. I wish I was joking.

Penis size has been researched somewhat extensively—myths on how to decipher what’s going on in someone’s pants, without sneaking a literal peek, have been whispered through society uncontrollably for centuries. Now, don’t lie to me, we’ve all at some point grazed our eyes over a man’s hand or a shoe size. Then again, a penis’ size preference (in a sexual partner’s case) is just that: a matter of preference, and I cannot speak for all of you out there as to what you’d like to be surprised with. But nonetheless, we’re here to discuss what makes a penis reach a certain size. Is it genes? And while we’re at it, you can rest assured that I’ll find out whether hands and feet play a part in the assumptions of what one’s got going on down under.

According to research, and the evidence that comes with it, genes do actually seem to play an important role in the growth of a guy’s peen, which is a fact not to astonish you—however, what might, is that the genetic material mostly comes from mothers. Essentially, for the first seven weeks of fetal development, both male and female fetuses look the same, but if you were given a Y chromosome from your father, week eight will be the turning point in developing male genitalia, penis included.

If you get another X chromosome from your father (either an X or Y will be added onto an existing X chromosome from your mother) you’ll get a set of ovaries, penis not included. This means, in non-scientific terms, dad decides whether you’ll be sporting a penis or vagina by the time you’re out the womb, but mum does the shaping of what comes out of it.

That being said, director of sexual health and medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York, Darius Paduch, told Mel Magazine that “If a father has a bigger penis, the son’s will probably be similar in length.” Although not guaranteed, he continued “Men have one X chromosome, and women have two. Since boys always inherit the X chromosome from the mother and the selection of that X chromosome is random, this can explain why one brother may have inherited genes for a large penis from one of the mother’s X chromosomes, but another brother inherited an average-size penis from the other.”

Dick growth is ultimately out of the dick’s control, and most fall within an ‘average’ range (don’t @ me for saying the word average, I’m talking numbers here). The average erect penis size is 13.12 centimetres, that’s 5.16 inches long, according to a study by the British Journal of Urology International. The ‘above average’ is 16 centimetres, or 6.3 inches long. Yes, right about now was the exact point that I went to look for a ruler. Anyway, moving on, so what about girth?

Paduch stated that “The penis grows in thickness and length with the onset of puberty and stops growing in length in mid-to-late puberty.” He added that “Its growth is regulated or driven by two hormones: testosterone and growth hormone. Testosterone seems to relate more to length, and growth hormone to girth, but we need both of them. What’s fascinating is that despite the fact that men produce testosterone all their lives, the penis doesn’t grow indefinitely, though the girth may increase slightly with age even after puberty.” This does not mean you should go supplementing, hormonal exposure can speed up growth, but mainly in fetal development.

When it comes to assuming what size your date’s packing in his pants though, unfortunately, there isn’t much concluded evidence as to whether big hands or feet correlate to the size of one’s member, at all. When all studies are compiled together, the most consistent correlation is actually height and overall proportion, but again, it’s an iffy argument. Like anything though, you can always find the answer you’re looking for when you go down the Google rabbit hole yourselves, but I’m just here to tell you how it is.

At the end of the day it’s, as always, better not to assume at all. Besides, size doesn’t really matter, regardless of a sexual partner’s personal preference. Voicing your wants and needs, your ‘keep doing that’ and ‘let’s switch it up’ comments matter far, far more when it comes to sexual pleasure. You can’t control your partner’s preferences, or penis size, or love for that matter, but you all can (and should) have hot, moreish, lip-biting sex. If you are needing a little help to fuel the flames or break the ice, try a sex game.