Being clitorally focused is not conducive for a total sexual experience, because then you end up neglecting the entire journey. The old thought process of repeatedly banging on the vaginal equivalent of a doorbell expecting fireworks and a grand opening—as if simply knocking repeatedly was sufficient—needs to go. This type of thinking can leave partners feeling like an old Nintendo controller in the hands of an amateur gamer who only knows one combo his buddy told him about in the locker room.
Over-focusing in this way can also leave the remainder of the body cold and untouched—this includes our minds, which are big players in sexual pleasure. Building a relationship between mind and body is essentially bridging the gaps between feeling and understanding, leading with curiosity.
Let’s think about it in layman’s terms before getting further into it. We are trying to talk about ways of reaching and maintaining a healthy sex life, and in this case, analogies can often be keys to understanding. So, being clitorally focused and single-minded is like spending Kool-Aid money but expecting fine champagne.
It’s time to take a tour down under—I’ve learned a lot in the past few years through reading, but also touching myself, like, a lot. This is fundamental to sexual experiences with your partner, because only when you know how you like to be touched, you can then show someone how to do so too. The clitoris is larger than we think and I’m not just talking about the glands that you can see externally; it expands backwards and downwards behind the labia minora and majora: these are the bulbs.
The clitoris contains spongy erectile tissue that fills with blood during sexual arousal like a penis and swells at its base. Stimulation of the clitoris can assist in helping us reach a state of arousal whereby the vaginal walls and Bartholin’s glands (located on both sides of the vaginal opening) secrete lubrication fluid. Without this fluid, penetration can be difficult and painful.
When we think about stimulation of the clitoris, it is important to note that it has many nerve endings, meaning, it’s very sensitive. However, what is often forgotten is what also surrounds the clit, which, when touched directly, can lead to a lot of other things happening simultaneously elsewhere.
The vagina, for example, will be gearing into action too. When this is overlooked, it turns into what I mean when I say ‘clitorally focused’: you are only seeing and focusing on the actual visible clitoris rather than the rest of this lovely gland. Expand your focus, widen your view, and improve your sex life.
While researching this piece, I was struck by the lack of insights and education surrounding vaginas as a whole, which explains why most of us are so focused on the clitoris. On the other hand, when you look at male literature—they talk about everything, from the perineum to the back of the ears.
In my TikTok videos, I often talk about the triangle-shaped muscles around the vulva and the circular muscles around the anus. Try using your fingers to gently trace those triangular shapes around the vulva, clitoris and even anus. Further motions that are very pleasurable and bonding is to caress the labia vertically, which also stimulates the lower regions of the clitoris, but not directly. These motions of varying pressure and speeds (listen to your partner’s noises and body language, and always remember to ask and communicate) will help the muscle groups to get ready for greater pressure and levels of touch.
When thinking about stimulating the clitoris, you’ll want to think of all 11 millimetres of the vaginal anatomy that it occupies. You can also think about opening the labia minora and the labia majora, and touching them with your fingers with a little bit of lube (water-based, because we are water), one side of the vagina at a time. Don’t overload the sensations, take your time. Then touching the anus, making circles with the fingertips. Press, and hold. Let your partner breathe during this whole experience, we are certainly not in a hurry. If you feel like you are getting confused, get curious and keep touching the different shapes.
Let me teach you about my own favourite method: the ‘CCW’ or ‘Cup, Curtain, Wait to get sucked in’ which I briefly mentioned in a previous article on the importance of communication. ‘Cupping’ is placing your hand on the outside of the vulva and cupping it with the shape of your hand, and simply waiting and breathing. Place the palm of your hand on the vulva, fingers pointing towards the anus, wrist positioned where you grow pubic hair.
Curtaining is what I mentioned before: opening the ‘lips’ of your vulva, the labia minora, and gently curtaining the vulva to the vagina. This feels interesting the first few times, and my partner has commented how the feeling is akin to silk in the fingertips, and now we both crave it!
‘Waiting to get sucked in’ is placing your finger at the entrance of the vagina. By way of opening the lips, the vagina is more visible and open. Ask your partner again to breathe with you. Once the fingers are inside, let them wait there, unmoving, and allow the muscle groups an opportunity to figure each other out.
Then, move forward at any pace. The simple pausing before this essentially allows for a far more intimate experience, making it almost bonding. Clients, myself and my partner have commented that “it feels more natural, loving, fulfilling, and we are always far more aroused,” and that it “makes me feel comfortable with my partner.” By slowing down and waiting, both partners can realise that they feel more pleasure and intimacy this way.
Through conversations I have with my monthly subscribers, we look for sex tips when really most are looking for information on “how to have safe, emotionally empowering sex” or “how to fully express our deeper selves as a human and sexual being.”
Emotional investment is a lot to ask of anyone, and so is looking to slow down with each other, it requires a demonstrated effort. Partners who are willing to slow down are ready to invest in you more emotionally, but first, they need permission to slow down, permission to not know, and permission to be imperfect.
Women typically need to be heard more, touched more intently, loved more intentionally, and seen more deeply. Slowing down with a partner is respecting the anatomy and emotions of both people. A lot of men need to hear this, but everyone needs to hear this: just slow down and ask open-ended questions about sex before you have sex. By the time you understand what each of you wants, it will feel more meaningful.
Some even express what it feels like orgasming clitorally versus vaginally. The vagina, clitoris, and mind of the partner we wish to touch are far more dynamic than just a button. Explore, ask, touch, caress, lick, taste, enjoy. Be curious, be real, and be you.
Within this scope, it’s important to note that we can’t understand pleasure through one person’s outlook, we should rather logically think that each person is different, meaning that each of us has a different experience through sensation and life. This suggests that more conversation is needed to connect. It always comes back to communication in my SassyRedEDU world.
Often, when people ask questions about anatomy, I respond by asking questions on what you know before beginning. This establishes a baseline, breaks the conversational ice, establishes trust, and gets us started. From there, we can then move ahead and create a safe zone for all—so we can understand that all sexual health matters.
To conclude, open the mind with a few questions, and open the heart’s desires before even thinking about doing more. That’s the Sassy Red way! It’s not just about the anatomy, it’s also about the conversation. We all emphatically claim we know this, but this is my call to you to do it more. Because so few of us actually do.