How to get over someone and move on from a breakup

By Harriet Piercy

Updated Sep 17, 2020 at 04:26 PM

Reading time: 3 minutes

8603

Have you reached that point of despair, where you just can’t kick a former (or never) lover out of your head, or heart—without sounding too cringe? We’ve been there, and it’s not fun. What exactly makes it so hard to move on? And what can you do to make it easier?

How to move on

First of all, do yourself a favour and acknowledge that it’s a pretty rubbish feeling, universally. Because when love is good, it’s really good, and it feels like it’s never going to end. Because why would you invest yourself into something you know will end anyway, right? You want to go for it with all guns blazing, and you want to really love, hard. So when that love suddenly leaves, you have a hole to fill. But the thing is, you don’t—you were whole before and you’re still whole now. The illusion of a hole just needs a little attention, and all you have to do is say ‘hey there, I see you, I feel you and it’s gonna be okay’. Once you’ve acknowledged its presence it wont fight for your attention anymore.

Ways to deal with a breakup

There’s a lot of research out there on how to force yourself to fall out of love, we are not our thoughts unless we let them control us. One researcher, biological anthropologist and TED talk speaker Helen Fisher told NPR that she used a technique called ‘neurofeedback’, which measures brain waves using electroencephalography (EEG) and turns them into visual or audio tones. This essentially means that when you can see or hear what’s going on in your brain, you can effectively train the thoughts that go through it. You can spot those pesky visions that pop up of your ex, and shoo them away.

Fisher observed that by “Understanding how we fall in love on a physiological level doesn’t necessarily mean we can control it, but it does mean we may be able to influence it.”

In her research, she found that when people looked at a picture of the person they love, the hypothalamus was pumping out dopamine. Fisher explains that “at the base of the brain, where your instincts and drives are: hunger, thirst, lust” is the hypothalamus—what Fisher calls the brain’s “dopamine factory.”

“Dopamine is linked with feelings of elation, mood swings, cravings, and obsessive thinking,” she says. “These are all basic traits of romantic love. When you start to fall for someone, everything about them is special. The house they live in, the street they live on, it’s all special to you. They’re dopamine triggers.” So when you break up, little reminders of the person you loved trigger the same dopamine reaction of when you were in love, which makes it harder to move on.

Fisher’s conclusion is that by recognising the patterns your brain is habitual to means that you can force it to focus on other things. Basically, you can fill that illusion of a hole by distracting yourself. Not just by filling your social calendar or picking up a new hobby, but when you find yourself thinking about your ex, recognise it and stop yourself immediately by doing something that requires your concentration. That can be anything, even something mindless—the feeling won’t last forever. Fisher also says that “the attachment eventually reduces. Time does heal the brain.”

If you can’t imminently get enough control over your thoughts (like most of us) use the tech age to your advantage, do what Fisher tells us to do in our brains but instead do it with your external influencers. Social media babe, block the heartache. You don’t need to see what they’re doing.

Another thing to do when getting over an ex, is to remove the blinkers—don’t kid yourself. We too easily remember the good stuff, and ignore the bad, which is why we usually end up pining over a perfect match that in reality, was just not. Allow yourself to see the full picture. That charming, goodlooking, funny, sex pot must have some other sides to them too.

Remind yourself that what’s good for you, sticks with you. If it’s not sticking around, then they just aren’t the right person for you—as much as you wanted them to be, it’s okay that they’re not. Don’t fight it, that just gets in the way of welcoming other good loves. Lose some and win some.

Which brings me to the final phase of moving on, let someone else love you. Let it all begin again, breakups are inevitable, but each time they happen—think of it as the last time, then one day it will be.

Keep On Reading

By Charlie Sawyer

Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper accuses former soccer coach of sexual harassment in new docuseries

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Toddler suspended from nursery for transphobic behaviour sparks UK-wide outrage

By Charlie Sawyer

We asked men on the street: Would you rather share your emotions with a tree or a woman? Their answers said a lot

By Charlie Sawyer

UK government’s new murder prediction tool draws comparison to Tom Cruise film, Minority Report

By Charlie Sawyer

Emma Watson reveals disgusting paparazzi ambush on her 18th birthday

By Charlie Sawyer

23 women speak out after UK police urge victims of serial rapist, student Zhenhao Zou, to come forward

By Abby Amoakuh

Scarlett Johansson hits back against deepfake antisemitism campaign condemning Kanye West

By Charlie Sawyer

Can Drake actually sue Kendrick Lamar for his Super Bowl performance diss?

By Abby Amoakuh

BLACKPINK’s Lisa faces backlash after wearing civil rights icon Rosa Parks on her crotch at Met Gala

By Lucy Skoulding

The US death penalty under Donald Trump: Why executions are on the rise again

By Charlie Sawyer

Transformers director Michael Bay officially confirmed to direct movie about viral Skibidi Toilet meme

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Conspiracy theorists are convinced Blue Origin’s all-female space flight was fake

By Kit Warchol

Is Dry January sexist? A look into the gendered politics behind Gen Z’s favourite wellness trend

By Abby Amoakuh

You star Madeline Brewer faces misogynistic backlash after internet brands her character unlikeable

By Eliza Frost

Zayn Malik’s new song suggests One Direction era wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows

By Charlie Sawyer

Are Gal Gadot and Rachel Zegler feuding? Rumours swirl following Oscars 2025

By Julie Huynh

Hockey fan edits are taking over TikTok, and it’s all thanks to Gen Z girlies

By Abby Amoakuh

First ever porn app launches on iOS devices to coincide with iPhone’s 18th birthday

By Fatou Ferraro Mboup

Did Chappell Roan push her assistant on the red carpet? We analyse the footage

By Abby Amoakuh

Everything there is to know about the third and final season of The Summer I Turned Pretty