For centuries, humanity has been on the search for a fool-proof way to cut boiled eggs evenly. First, they tried the knife technique, followed by the cooling rack technique and then the unflavoured floss technique—only to invent an entire device with small blades to achieve uniform slices later on. But what if you could change the size of the canvas without conjuring up ideas to fit the desired art? Introducing long eggs, an eggstreme food trend that will make you question your morals only while serving it for others to eat.
Imagine wiggling a cylindrical, 20-inch long, yolk-filled log of boiled egg in your hands. Now imagine slicing it—made easier by its PVC pipe-like packaging—to discover the yolk running evenly throughout the loaf, wrapped with egg whites from all the sides. That’s a long egg for you. If you can’t imagine all of that, I’ve got you. Here’s a real-time depiction of the ‘abomination’:
Almost makes you believe humanity has cracked genetic mutation, right? Sadly, no chicken nor velociraptor is responsible for the creation of long eggs. In fact, the closest we’ve been to witnessing an actual chicken laying a long egg is on Reddit, when a user posed with a 5-inch egg minutes after it was laid.
So who is responsible for these 20-inch egg loaves? What if I told you that humanity invented these 46 years ago in Denmark? Debuting in 1974, long eggs are the creation of a Denmark-based company called DANÆG. Made using the SANOVO 6-32, normal-sized eggs are first washed and cracked to separate the egg white from the yolk. The whites are then cooked in a mould that has a hole running along its centre. The yolks are later injected evenly into this hole and cooked to resemble regular eggs, but longer. Once these aesthetic rolls wiggle their way down towards the quality inspectors, they are then double-checked, packed and sold as the “DANÆG Long Egg”—which is still available in markets today.
Although long eggs were invented back in 1974, it wasn’t until a video advertising the product surfaced in 2013 that the trend truly divided the internet. “Abomination,” “Satan’s offspring,” and “Okay, but why tho?” were common echo chambers the trend was often hard-boiled in. Until…DIY videos started flocking the internet.
Similar to the SANOVO 6-32, begin by washing and cracking a couple of eggs to separate the whites from the yolk. Now grab your beater and whisk both the components separately. Boil some water on the stove and begin oiling the insides of a tube or a heat-resistant glass. The oiling process here is a necessary step to ensure the long egg plops right out after boiling. Now submerge the glass into the pot of boiling water and stick a thinner glass into the middle. Rubber bands can be stretched taut across the handles to wedge the inner mould in place.
Once your apparatus is ready, pour the egg whites into the outer mould and wait for them to cook. Now remove the inner mould and pour the yolk into the boiled orifice. Wait for the yolks to cook (depending on your yolk-consistency preference) and then remove from the heat. All that’s left now is to slice, eat and (maybe) repeat!
For some, long eggs might be worth the whisk. However, if you still aren’t willing to take the risk, it helps to warm up a little before committing the so-called sin. How about visiting this subreddit dedicated to experiments with eggs, for starters? Finding your long egg name using the second letter of your first name helps too.
How do you like your eggs? Because some like them implanted up their vaginas. Welcome to the gelatinous little world of ovaphilia, a sexual fetish involving the simulated laying of an egg by a human female. Variants of this fetish include the use of disproportionate or festively painted eggs and the female role-playing a furry or an alien. The latter is what we are here to sit on.
The alien egg impregnation fetish has a dedicated subreddit and porn genre to its credit. In this variant, ovaphiles—often clubbed with xenophiles (who are sexually attracted to extraterrestrials)—swear by the ‘ultimate alien fantasy dildo’: the Ovipositor. Patented by Primal Hardwere, the dildo shoots gelatin eggs straight into the body orifice of your choice where they then dissolve naturally. Available in a plethora of colours and textures, these fantasy sticks feature literal tongue-twister names like ‘Bork’, ‘Blip’, ‘G’lorp’ and ‘Splorch’.
“The idea is to replicate the act of being impregnated with eggs. Usually from an alien or insect,” explained LoneWolf, the anonymous owner of Primal Hardwere, in an interview with Vice. “The toys are simply phallic-shaped hollow tubes that can be used to insert gelatin eggs into oneself. There is a funnel-shaped hole in the bottom to receive the eggs, which are inserted one by one, forcing them up the tube and out the top.”
LoneWolf started his business by creating one-off custom commissions “for people who couldn’t find what they were looking for elsewhere.” “Ovipositors were requested several times, and when I posted YouTube videos demonstrating them, the response was impressive. Tons of people wanted them—and while this is not a fetish of my own, I saw the potential for a unique product line,” he added. Close to 3.5 million views on his first Ovipositor demo video, the demand for the particular fetish is evident.
When you purchase an Ovipositor, however, you’re expected to make your own extraterrestrial eggs. Before you can get jiggy with it, you have to spend a fair amount of time dissolving gelatine, pouring it into moulds that come along with the kit and then leaving them out to set for hours. “You are trying to take something the size of a chicken egg and pass it through the silicone tube. You have to get the formulation right so it will flex, but not be too soft,” the creator explained.
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Reflecting on the trial and error process behind making the Ovipositor, LoneWolf admitted trying his hand at silicon eggs but failing terribly. “They stuck inside the dildo. We tried things like building the inside, putting channels in so it wouldn’t stick. That didn’t seem to work, and in the end it turned out that gelatine was safer anyway. We ended on that because if the gelatine gets stuck inside you, it dissolves.”
This hard-boiled fact hence begs the question: how safe is it to put gelatin eggs up your vagina? LoneWolf summed up the dangers related to the fetish as “everything in moderation.” “I can say that I have used them many times without hurting myself, but frankly it is up to the person using it to know their own limits. For instance, if you are allergic to gelatin. If made properly, the eggs are firm but rubbery, similar to the consistency of gummy bears. They dissolve with body heat rather quickly,” he clarified.
So what does it feel like to actually use one? Violet Fenn, author of Sex and Sexuality in Victorian Britain, admits to having treaded down the coveted Ovipositor lane herself. In a column for Metro, she describes her experience—or rather eggs-perience—as somewhere between awkward and stimulating. “Doing the deed itself is a bit awkward. Squeezing a giant alien dildo with slippery lube-hands was never going to be the neatest of operations,” she explained.
“You insert Brogoth (a popular variety of Ovipositor) in the same way as any other dildo, then squeeze him like a sexy alien icing bag until the eggs slide through. They pop out in a pleasantly determined fashion that appealed to the tactile side of me.” In terms of the gelatine eggs, she swears that they dissolved very quickly. “There’s no risk of them getting stuck. Although you do feel rather like you’re giving birth to slimy boiled eggs, which is a strange sensation by anyone’s standards.”
Hardcore fans of the Ovipositor say that the sensation of “mushy extraterrestrial ovum slopping back out of them” is a real treat. Fenn, however, warns not to try alien play just before leaving the house. “You could have vaginal muscles like industrial clamps and this stuff would still ooze out,” she added. “My advice would be to lie around thinking romantic alien thoughts until most of it has dissolved. Plain gelatine is completely harmless and won’t cause any damage to either your insides or your bedsheets.”
With that being said, the best case to use the Ovipositor is either by yourself, with a partner or a group of like-minded individuals for a new kind of egg-hunt…now that Easter is around the corner.