Turns out doing the saucy sand dance takes a little more planning than one would think, and not simply because of getting bits of beachy grit in places where they really should never reach, although that is an important factor. Let’s crank up the logistics, shall we? Spontaneity sometimes costs comfort, but it doesn’t have to cost us our fun too. Preparing for the unexpected doesn’t mean you’re not being spontaneous by the way, it simply means having a vague idea of what you’re getting into. So, in case you’ve been dreaming of having some hot—but sandy—beach sex this summer, let me present you with the main dos and don’ts of it first.

To start off with the easiest and most obvious yet largely forgotten suggestion: bring a sarong for goodness’ sake! Or a towel, a napkin from the restaurant you’ve just eloped from, the t-shirt you were wearing ten minutes ago, and lay it down on top of the sand underneath where your hoohaas join pleasurably together, and leave it there! I mean… honestly, people. It is a condom for the ground.

My next point actually contradicts the above statement, but hear me out: cover up. If you’re on a beach that may be susceptible to other beach intruders who are minding their own business, then just do it with your clothes on. Unzip the necessary bits, lift the skirt, slide the knickers to the side and you’re good to go. If you’re a heterosexual duo, let the lady place herself onto the man’s lap, that way, if someone uninvited comes along—stop moving—then pretend you’re getting sand out of the guy you’re banging’s eye or something.

Light is a major player here. Unless you’re on a private beach, I suggest that you don’t offer other peace-searching beach dwellers the opportunity of your unrequited entertainment. In fact, please don’t, it may not only jar them, but scar them, too. Plus, there’s a good chance you’ll get arrested: anti-climax or what? So just try to spontaneously plan around the context of a beach, or just pay your visits in night time conditions, alright? Cool.

Beach plus wind equals a momentous recipe for disaster. I can firmly tell you right now that those grains of sand, or in other words, shards of what will feel like glass, shall be shooting into more places than just your eyes. My advisory caution is against playing with wind. It is not romantic, and you will look like you’ve experienced a not-so-romantic time afterwards too.

Absolutely not, mate. If you’re going to have sex on a beach, keep it strictly sand or fully submerged in salty aqua—even then, the following information may or may not apply depending on water type. There is no need, I repeat, no need at all, to experiment with a ruffle in the shallow waters. That approaching tide is not just water, it is sand, muck, seaweed, shells, stones, flailing jellyfish, probably bits of plastic and dead things. That approaching tide will wash all of that right up your backside in one swell swoop (and take your natural lubricant with it).

I may have put you entirely off the idea of a sexy seaside adventure, but it’s not all bad. Having sex in unusual places is great sex eight times out of ten, I’m just warning you of what ‘could’ happen, so that you can prepare for the unexpected ‘just in case’. You are most thoroughly welcome.