How to spot a performative male out in the wild
You can notice him from a mile away, sipping on matcha and reading a book from the latest Booker Prize shortlist. He’s probably got a pinky ring on, or some kind of chain necklace, and he’s wearing jorts. He’s the performative male.
In recent weeks, symbols of the performative male have been sweeping TikTok FYPs and local parks, where competitions are taking place to find the most performative of the bunch. They’re reading feminist literature alone in the coffee shop or taking pictures exclusively on a film camera, putting in a stellar performance.
While this type of guy—these character traits, clothing choices, and interests—can’t necessarily be described as red flags, it’s the idea that a performative male is planting these seemingly green flags in a somewhat manipulative attempt to attract women that is sparking conversation.
Understanding the performative male
The performative male can be seen as a level up from the soft boy of a few years ago. They are essentially men who act only for the female gaze. In an attempt to entice women, they adopt performative personality traits filtered through what they’ve seen to be successful on social media and on TV and film. They’re trying to draw women in by leaving a trail of all their favourite things, leading to him sitting like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
They want to seem progressive, they’re all feminists and post about women’s rights on their Instagram stories, ticking off interests, ethics and morals that most young women are looking for in a partner. But do they believe in all that their posting?
The performative male is not like other men, but how different can he really be? While some are genuinely interested in reading about feminism, the perfect matcha techniques, and your astrological Big Three, this can come across as hollow if there is nothing to back it up. And it’s easy to spot when someone is doing it for show.
The extremes of the performative male
This showiness is being pushed to extremes in ‘performative male contests’ taking place in locations such as New York, Chicago, Toronto, and Ottawa. Men competing are talking about their thrifted clothing, playing female artists on their acoustic guitar, and empathising with women getting period cramps, pulling out tampons and pads from their bags in a ready state, should anyone need one.
@jen.trt 1st performative male contest in Canada taking place in Toronto 🤣🤣🤣 #performativemale
♬ original sound - Jen | Toronto Date Guide - Toronto Date Guide | Jen
Contestants at a performative male competition in Ottawa have Labubus attached to their carabiners, shoddily painted nails, and beaded friendship bracelets on their wrists. With one competitor saying that “everyone else here is being performative, [but] this is just me.”
@aestheticadventuresss Replying to @malikah he’s revolutionized the sport #fyp #ottawa #performativeman #interview
♬ original sound - malikah
What is the most performative thing a man can do?
It seems that the performative male, unfortunately, never sleeps. They’re always thinking of ways to add to the act, but what are the most performative (translate: sluttiest) things a man can do? The consensus from Offtrend includes five-inch inseams, chunky silver rings, and keeping a book in the back pocket.
One performative male (sorry) posted a video of himself on TikTok saying, “God forbid a man buys flowers without being called performative.” But how many times do guys in hetero relationships buy their partner flowers without it being hinted at? Buying a bouquet is as slutty as it is performative.
@ericprrk classic performative male behavior #OOTD #funny #relatable
♬ original sound - eric
And this tote bag-wearing, matcha-sipping, book-reading guy has been titled the ‘performative final boss’ on TikTok. He’s just missing some wired headphones.
@urban.matcha the matcha looks good tho 😏 #fyp #matcha #performative #fashion #lasvegas #cafe #ube
♬ original sound - 🫡
Another TikToker explains how to be more performative, including not using the reversing camera in a car—it has to be the one arm around the passenger seat headrest for optimal performance. User @landonsfits also says to burn a mixtape onto a CD over connecting to the aux, recommending Lana Del Rey or Clairo for the ultimate performative mix.
@landonsfits i think i’m getting too good at this 🍵🎸📚 #fyp #foryoupage #fashion #outfit #fitspo #performative #feminism #guitar #totebags #books #im6ft #college
♬ original sound - landondresses
He finishes the video with a fit check, complete with a tote bag that is ‘just for show.’ The aim of the performance is to look as nonchalant as possible, while actually putting on an Oscar-winning-worthy act.
How to avoid dating a performative male
Unfortunately for many, including me, it’s hard not to fall for the act. While there is humour in the extremity of what males will do to attract a girl, there is still that underlying feeling of manipulation. These men walk around peacocking for female attention, pulling you in so you think you’re falling for the soft-hearted, Sally Rooney-reading, emotionally intelligent guy, but as you peel back the layers, the core is still someone who is slightly toxic, who will Banksy you after nine months together, and who would call parenting his own child ‘babysitting.’
So, how do you avoid catching feelings for the performative male? Reminding yourself that they’re wearing that vintage cap to cover up their receding hairline, for one. But also, find out if he actually reads the books he has on his bedside table, don’t fall for the t-shirt with a witty feminist slogan on it—he might have just borrowed it from his sister—and when he asks what your love language is, make sure to answer: “Men who go to therapy to work on themsevles.”
Lastly, and the most telltale of signs to help raise the internal alarms if a performative male is pulling the Uniqlo cashmere crewneck over your eyes, ask about his ex. He might flirt around the answer, make up a lie, or straightaway call his ex ‘crazy.’ That’s when you know to run. No one is good enough at acting to cover up for that one.
And here’s hoping, one day, one of these performative males will read something useful in bell hooks’ All About Love, instead of just carrying it around for show.
