If you’ve ever posted a photo of your partner online and wrote “dinner with this one” as the caption, then you’re embarrassing, sorry. It wasn’t my call; it was Vogue’s. These days, in order for women to ‘have it all,’ we actually don’t need that to include a boyfriend. And if there is a partner on the scene, it’s preferred that they stay behind the show curtain at all times. They’re on lighting, not centre stage. 

The Vogue article ‘Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?’ by Chanté Joseph has gone viral this week, with the internet debating whether it’s true or not. Defenders of the statement include long-time single girls and those in relationships who only post their partner to Instagram after seven years and an engagement ring. Those who disagree are, well, embarrassing as well. 

As per my favourite meltdown by Miranda Hobbes in Sex and the City: “How does it happen that four smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It’s like seventh grade but with bank accounts. What about us? What we think, we feel, we know. Does it always have to be about them?”

I’m potentially biased when it comes to this topic as someone who has been single for so long, with it reaching the point where you question what a long-term relationship even looks like for you. But this piece by Joseph has resonated with so many people because, as she explains in the article and in a TikTok video, it’s not just those who are single who think being partnered is ‘uncool’ right now. ‘Cool’ girls in relationships agree and keep their boyfriends under wraps as a result. 

@chantayyjayy

So many thoughts! This is my 2AM summary please go and read ❤️

♬ original sound - Chanté Joseph

Writer Joseph references Substack Boyfriend Land by Tell The Bees, which explains how so many social interactions are centred around “my man, my man, my man,” but men rarely shout at the same volume about their girlfriends or wives. In a TikTok following Joseph’s piece, Tell The Bees goes on to say that it kind of makes sense; if society has brainwashed us for this long that having a boyfriend is the pinnacle achievement, it’s no surprise so many women and so many corners of our lives are boyfriend-obsessed. 

@tellthebeees

Replying to @nina #britishvogue #discourse #boyfriend #tellthebeees Essays by @baskinsuns on most platforms and Chanté Joseph (will link in comments!) #substack

♬ original sound - Tell The Bees

But, as the Vogue article explains, there has been a shift—the trend of hard launching has come to a hard stop. We’re opting instead for the more subtle launches, a soft launch of two pints in the pub, a hand on the table, perhaps the back of a boyfriend’s head in an art gallery. “Women are obscuring their partner’s face when they post, as if they want to erase the fact they exist without actually not posting them,” says Joseph. Because if we don’t post them, and they end up embarrassing us (they will), then we don’t have to go back and delete a whole relationship’s worth of content from our socials. 

Joseph questions whether this means that people are embarrassed to have a boyfriend now. What we’ve been conditioned to think of as a long-coveted prize, a partner, is no longer what people are wishing for on birthday cakes. It could be that the trope that we’re only ‘half’ of a being while we’re still single is finally disappearing. As one TikTok user says in response to the article, “let’s be honest, men in 2025 bring nothing to the table—every ‘decent’ man is just an average woman.”

For Joseph, “it feels like the result of women wanting to straddle two worlds: one where they can receive the social benefits of having a partner, but also not appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across quite culturally loser-ish.” She explains how, in an era of widespread heterofatalism, women don’t “want to be seen as being all about their man, but they also want the clout that comes with being partnered up.” 

But Joseph admits there was an overwhelming sense from single and partnered women alike that, regardless of the relationship, “being with a man was an almost guilty thing to do.”

As soon as Taylor Swift got engaged, she was accused of being a Republican tradwife, and it was said that she’s “handing the conservative agenda on a silver platter to the masses” in her new album, The Life of a Showgirl, because she sings about wanting Travis Kelce’s babies. She’s as guilty as they come when it comes to shouting about “my man, my man.” And it could always be a risk when you can’t predict the future. Just look at Lily Allen’s new breakup album, West End Girl, following an ‘embarrassing’ divorce from Stranger Things actor David Harbour.

If the argument that everything we do is a reflection of us, then we have to be willing to stand by our choices. A goth phase as a kid, easy to stand by, a man embarrassing you for the umpteenth time, not so easy to get yourself out of. 

When Joseph reached out to her Instagram followers for insight, one replied: “I was in a relationship for 12 years and never once posted him or talked about him online. We broke up recently, and I don’t think I will ever post a man. Even though I am a romantic, I still feel like men will embarrass you even 12 years in, so claiming them feels so lame.”

On TikTok, the conversation from coupled-up girls continues, with one asking, “How do I break it to him six years in that it’s now embarrassing to have a boyfriend?”

@reganellisx

When Vogue writes an article saying it’s now embarrassing to have a boyfriend

♬ original sound - goddess.of.survival?

In the article, Joseph also talks to influencers who have lost followers after posting about their boyfriends. This notion that you’re going to become less interesting is, well, interesting, and one I’ve definitely felt. In one of my many four-month relationships, or situationships, I told my best friend, “I think Tom is taking away my funniness,” after missing an obvious joke that we would’ve giggled over previously. 

It was a genuine worry for me: was he sucking up my aura like some sort of boyfriend Death Eater just by association? So, really, being single for 20-plus years is now a flex, all thanks to Vogue and the single community coming together. 

@davidchippa

everyone say thank you @Chanté Joseph xxxx #relationshipgoals

♬ Stateside + Zara Larsson - PinkPantheress

The most interesting part of Joseph’s article, for me, comes at the end. She writes: “As our traditional roles begin to crumble, maybe we’re being forced to re-evaluate our blind allegiance to heterosexuality. Obviously, there’s no shame in falling in love. But there’s also no shame in trying and failing to find it—or not trying at all. And as long as we’re openly re-thinking and criticising heteronormativity, ‘having a boyfriend’ will remain a somewhat fragile or even contentious concept within public life.”

The fear that single women will end up ‘spinsters’ or ‘crazy cat ladies’ is now becoming “a desirable and coveted status,” says Joseph, “another nail in the coffin of a centuries-old heterosexual fairytale that never really benefitted women to begin with.”

The reason this article has gone so viral is that the answer to “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” is not a simple “yes” or “no.” There’s more to the question, more to women, more to relationships. Our lives are like a pick’n’mix bag these days, a scoop of friends, a handful of hobbies, some sensible sweets for a successful career, and one of those super long gummy worms for fun. We so don’t need to be someone’s arm candy when our bag is full to the brim.